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〃Well stay till after dinner;〃 Catherine said。 〃And Ill not leave you alone if you want me to stay。 I wont leave you alone; Fergy。〃
〃No。 No。 I want you to go。 I want you to go。〃 She wiped her eyes。 〃Im so unreasonable。 Please dont mind me。〃
The girl who served the meal had been upset by all the crying。 Now as she brought in the next course she seemed relieved that things were better。
That night at the hotel; in our room with the long empty hall outside and our shoes outside the door; a thick carpet on the floor of the room; outside the windows the rain falling and in the room light and pleasant and cheerful; then the light out and it exciting with smooth sheets and the bed fortable; feeling that we had e home; feeling no longer alone; waking in the night to find the other one there; and not gone away; all other things were unreal。 We slept when we were tired and if we woke the other one woke too so one was not alone。 Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other; but I can truly say we never felt that。 We could feel alone when we were together; alone against the others。 It has only happened to me like that once。 I have been alone while I was with many girls and that is the way that you can be most lonely。 But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together。 I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different; that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day; because they do not then exist; and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started。 But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time。 If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them; so of course it kills them。 The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places。 But those that will not break it kills。 It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially。 If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry。
I remember waking in the morning。 Catherine was asleep and the sunlight was ing in through the window。 The rain had stopped and I stepped out of bed and across the floor to the window。 Down below were the gardens; bare now but beautifully regular; the gravel paths; the trees; the stone wall by the lake and the lake in the sunlight with the mountains beyond。 I stood at the window looking out and when I turned away I saw Catherine was awake and watching me。
〃How are you; darling?〃 she said。 〃Isnt it a lovely day?〃
〃How do you feel?〃
〃I feel very well。 We had a lovely night。〃
〃Do you want breakfast?〃
She wanted breakfast。 So did I and we had it in bed; the November sunlight ing in the window; and the breakfast tray across my lap。
〃Dont you want the paper? You always wanted the paper in the hospital?〃
〃No;〃 I said。 〃I dont want the paper now。〃
〃Was it so bad you dont want even to read about it?〃
〃I dont want to read about it。〃
〃I wish I had been with you so I would know about it too。〃
〃Ill tell you about it if I ever get it straight in my head。〃
〃But wont they arrest you if they catch you out of uniform?〃
〃Theyll probably shoot me。〃
〃Then well not stay here。 Well get out of the country。〃
〃Id thought something of that。〃
〃Well get out。 Darling; you shouldnt take silly chances。 Tell me how did you e from Mestre to Milan?〃
〃I came on the train。 I was in uniform then。〃
〃Werent you in danger then?〃
〃Not much。 I had an old order of movement。 I fixed the dates on it in Mestre。〃
〃Darling; youre liable to be arrested here any time。 I wont have it。 Its silly to do something like that。 Where would we be if they took you off?〃
〃Lets not think about it。 Im tired of thinking about it。〃
〃What would you do if they came to arrest you?〃
〃Shoot them。〃
〃You see how silly you are; I wont let you go out of the hotel until we leave here。〃
〃Where are we going to go?〃
〃Please dont be that way; darling。 Well go wherever you say。 But please find some place to go right away。〃
〃Switzerland is down the lake; we can go there。〃
〃That will be lovely。〃
It was clouding over outside and the lake was darkening。
〃I wish we did not always have to live like criminals;〃 I said。
〃Darling; dont be that way。 You havent lived like a criminal very long。 And we never live like criminals。 Were going to have a fine time。〃
〃I feel like a criminal。 Ive deserted from the army。〃
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